I know, everyone knows this, but, lately, I’ve been just hammered from all sides. A lot of it is due to my Mother’s passing and having to liquidate her accounts, but it’s not just that.

Had to move a 529 account recently, and that process was maddening. First, they couldn’t tell me the process. Not really. They said, “Call this number and ask to roll the account over to a new account.” Fine. But when I called, they said, “Nope, too much in here, you can’t do it as a rollover, you have to go down to an office in person and do a letter of intention.” So I go down to the office. They tell me it’s a rollover, and then email me a form. I figure the form has got my info filled in or something. Can I print this out here? No. So . . . you’re telling me I have to drive home, print this out, and come back? That’s absurd. OK, email us the form, and we’ll print it here. So I do, but then the form has nothing pre-filled, so why don’t they have the form to just print out for me? Well, now the form says both the new and old owner have to sign. But the new owner isn’t here, so what do we do? OK, we’ll call our 529 team. And they say, no, it’s not a roll over, it’s a letter of intention again. So stupid. So I end up having to do this stupid letter which includes the phrase, “I am aware that this may cause tax liability per IRS rules.” Because . . . what, it’s not really a rollover? Can you explain? No, we can’t, it’s just “because IRS.” People, don’t do 529s. Or at least don’t do them and then get divorced and have the beneficiary decide to never speak to you again. We weren’t even trying to get the money out, just move it to a new account, which the IRS says I can do every six months without penalty, but . . . I guess fuck you.

Oh, and then when I went and tried to close all the accounts at the company with the 529? Can’t. Why? Because there’s an old 401k here, and we have to keep that account active “because IRS.” Great, so I have accounts I cannot get rid of sitting at a company I have zero trust for. Fantastic. But they did send me a check for 20 cents that I had sitting in an account because when you liquidate stocks, they don’t do it very quickly and you end up earning a day’s worth of interest that, shocker, isn’t enough to transfer anywhere or use, but if you give them $25, then you can move it around as $25.20. Fuck you. You suck. What makes you think I’m going to give you twenty-five more of my dollars, even temporarily, you leeches? You’re so goddamn slow in giving me, and I need to emphasize this, my fucking money, that I’ll probably end up with another penny floating around, like I have at this other financial institution, which also sucks.

Then there’s Mom’s investment accounts. Can you just cut me a check? No. We have to open an account in your name and transfer the funds. Fine. So, once again, I have to physically go down there, and give them all my information, including [foreshadowing] my bank account information. I figure it’ll make the cash out easier. So, once the funds are transferred, I go online to cash out. Nope, no way to do it. So I call them, and say, sell it all, cash me out. OK, the advisor will call you back, and we’ll send the funds to your bank [cue ominous music]. The advisor calls back, tells me all the fees there are to get my fucking money, and then tells me they’ll mail me a physical check. Are you fucking kidding me? You have my bank information for this exact reason. And it’s too big to remote deposit, so . . . another trip to the bank. Which then puts a 5 day hold on the funds, because even though the check is from a well known financial institution, this bank doesn’t trust that the other guys will honor the check.

Finally, we come to the insurance company holding my Mom’s annuity. It’s been three goddamn months. She’s dead. We sent you the death certificate and the Social Security notification. Well, you can’t get the money, because the beneficiary is Dad. You mean my dead Dad? Can you prove he’s dead? Uh, yeah, I can drive to your fucking building and dump the rest of his goddamn ashes on you, you fucking bean counter. Fortunately, we had extras of his death certificate as well. So, then, weeks later, we finally get the forms to fill out. Reader, this is a goddamn joke. The first entry on the form is, “List the account numbers.” You mean the account numbers that you sent me on this other piece of paper? I have to hand-copy those stupid goddamn numbers because you can’t be bothered to pre-fill a form? Like with my name and address? That you have, and it’s accurate, because you just sent me these goddamn forms? Oh, and asking me for another copy of her death certificate? No, fuck you, these things aren’t goddamn cheap, and they’re hard to get ahold of after the fact, so you’re getting a shitty picture that I printed out (because if you do a copy, the VOID watermark shows up - presumably to make me have to pay 8 bucks a pop to get more, because fuck the government too). Still waiting for that check, by the way.

Oh they all make it so easy to give them your hard earned money, but if you want it back? Fuck you.

I’m gonna just go buy a mattress.